Celebratory Moments

Yesterday, I was lunching in Edinburgh when I got word that a piece I authored for Works in Progress(WiP) was finally published. Today, I am in bed—continuing to fight my jet lag at 4 a.m.—trying to think of what to write so I can meet yet-another-Inkhaven-target¹.

Since I don’t know what to write about and don’t feel especially compelled to prepare an effort-post, I am going to reflect on my friend’s comments on my lack of reaction to the news. He said:

I was gonna say that I was a bit surprised at your reaction to the WiP piece when you were here. I think it is very very cool, obviously and something to be proud of You didn’t seem to derive too much joy from it. If you had said you weren’t happy because of stoicism or whatever, then fine. But you seemed to be only focussed on, lack of a better word, grudges/slights.

There was a bit more that I’m omitting on the specifics of the grudges and slights, but this is good to have:

Wanted to shake you and say “Enjoy your wins, dude!”. Maybe I should have.

While I was responding to a different message, the screen auto-scrolled to the bottom of the above text. I snatched a quick look at the last line, reading it as “enjoy your twins”. I wondered why he was writing about his cats.

After reading his message, I responded to him promptly²:

The joy was in knowing it would be published, I suppose? Unlike an academic article, I’ve basked in the joy of knowing it’ll eventually be there.

I had experienced whatever joy there was at the initial confirmation of the editorial team’s greenlight; from there, the production of the article was all work.

But I proceeded to remind him that instantaneous joy is not something I usually experience either I am just not someone who experiences highs in moments, I suppose? Purchasing a flat in London³, or landing a permanent contract in academiaI supposed I could say I earned it but I am reluctant to remove the influence of luck in such outcomes. are probably (and rightly so) achievements worthy of celebration.

I did also suggest that my lack of reaction may have to do with just my general ability for feeling such joys being taken from aspects of a previous job and some near-misses in the grant pipeline; I don’t include that here to retain the privacy of parties involved. But I think I might have gotten closer to it with the final part of my message:

Or maybe it takes repeatedly being with people in these moments of wins; I think this might be the only time that’s happened.

A lot of the “wins” of the flat or job were basically things I navigated on my own. I get how this might read to you—or even how sad it might seem in your imagination— but I think it’s pretty common in the world of those that constantly geographically relocate. They do not experience most of life’s major wins with the presence or proximity of their inner circle—these seem like luxuries.

Of course, I could round up a bunch of friends to get rowdy in a pub or celebrate with dinner or something to that effect but I suspect a part of me sees that as a disservice to how I got here. There are many that supported me from a distance, as best as they could, but it has been tough and mostly alone. It seems unfair to celebrate without the remote support system and opting to celebrate with the parties who know little of what transpired before.

Of course, the friendship underlying this conversation has been with me through nearly two decades. Perhaps these years have trained me so well that I missed noticing that, for the first time in a long time, such a moment had struck in the presence of people I love.