Dating is not a charity

I was recently reminded of the story of a man who went on a dinner date with a woman. It was their first date but not their first time in the dating rigamarole. He had nearly a decade’s experience of online dates—while the ways of meeting had morphed, the tacit understanding that, most of the time, The Man pays on the date remained. This time, the woman offered to split the check; The Man politely dismisses it, saying they can figure it out later.

It was a long dinner on account of an unexpectedly busy Tuesday for the restaurant.

Once out, they walk around the neighbourhood of the restaurant and eventually reach a bus stop, where they decide it’s time to separate. It is, after all, a school day. While waiting for Her bus together, it is kind of obvious that they both enjoyed each other’s company. On their separate journeys home, they continue texting back and forth about other things they spoke of on their date but also how enjoyable the date was. The Man is beating around the bush a bit about this but it’s obvious that there is mutual interest—why else would they still be texting?

The Woman, who clarified She is a fan of explicit communication before and during the date, is more direct and expresses a desire to meet again, which removes any doubt in His mind.

In fact, Her consistent and reliable communication so far seemed unusual to him, based on past experiences.

The Man says he’d like that too but is pleasantly surprised; there were some obvious philosophical differences about their lifestyles that might have been particularly important for her as She comes from a more conservative culture; one that neither condones His alcohol consumption nor His enjoyment of the Berlin party culture, for example.

The Man always chooses to err on the side of information provision, despite the best advice of His friends who think it is TMI; they advise him against sharing such lifestyle choices too early. He stubbornly dismisses this suggestion as there’s no point in hiding information that is core to His personality. He’s past the point of creating a faux sense of compatibility in His current dating era.

The Woman agrees with him that these are indeed differences but that She remains curious despite that. There were some things She noticed about him over dinner She says, not just in words but also in action that stirred the right sensations and questions about Her beliefs. She’s a ceramic artist who caresses clay into shapes that are unusual which, despite all the engineering designs She makes, requires Her to also be present in the moment for the other parts that are more ‘right-brained’, as She says.

He’s still skeptical despite also being curious about seeing Her again so He can try to grasp what He really feels for Her.

Over the next couple of days, they continue texting with an instantaneous infrequent density—much like they had been for nearly every day the week before the date—when The Man eventually asks Her for coffee.

Suddenly, She has invited silence into their chat, which turns their private conversation into a group chat.

The three lingered in this uneasiness.

The Man is finding it all confusing because this sudden drop of rapport is… unusual, He says. He refuses to accept that this is a group chat.

The Man is now on a call with His Friend; though years of dating have inured him to ghosting, He is still intellectualising the current interaction—or lack of it. More than He ought to be, He tells The Friend.

He gets that Her feelings about seeing him again have changed but, in this case, the patterns and style of their communication till that coffee moment have made it hard to accept. Or maybe he’s just getting too old for this bullshit. The Man is thinking of sending Her a note saying that He gets She’s lost interest but that the right thing would be to just communicate that change of heart. It’s probably how she’d want someone else to communicate to Her, too, right?

The Friend patiently listens to The Man’s diatribe. He then dissuades him, with compassion: it’s just best to let it go.

In the days that follow, His feelings of unease turn into regret; he’s upset for being complicit, once again, in upholding dating norms when others break a core component of the social contract: communication.

His Friend asks him if he’s feeling deceived.

No—just disrespected and that he’s going to send Her a note. This time, He is also going to request She pay him back for Her share of dinner. Heck, He even offered Her the leftovers from the night before.

What might that achieve? wonders The Friend, with the pretend unfamiliarity of someone with a decade’s experience of The Man’s dating experience.

Well, for one, He agitatedly hopes She learns right thinking in a Buddhist sense. He clarifies that He doesn’t care if She pays him for the date, but it’s about the principle of not transactionalising the matter. In fact, He just wants the discomfort of communication to be sticky—for far too long has society not been calling out the dedignifying behaviour that is getting increasingly normalised! He bellows.

The Friend again talks him out of this idea and reminds him that maybe some kind of emergency may have occurred and the charitable action is to just give Her some space and not say anything to Her.

So dating etiquette now is to treat the first date as charitable donations that one writes off?

“Hi. Sorry, it’s taken me a while to write back but I just wanted you to know that I don’t think we are a good match anymore. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Good luck out there!”

It is almost two weeks since the coffee text. The Man is surprised to wake up to The Woman’s text. Parting messages wishing him luck had become a pet peeve—further dehumanising the already transactionalised interaction, so The Man thinks of sending

“Thanks for finally letting me know. I didn’t think it was cool to be left hanging like that and it made me feel like I was being treated like a transaction. I’d like you to pay me back for the dinner so I feel less used in that way.”

but instead replies with

“No worries. Thanks for letting me know. London’s expensive so I’d appreciate us splitting the check. Here’s the link:”

Ping! Transaction complete.

1. Thou shalt not treat dating as charity.

2. Thou shalt not violate the basic tenets of a social contract.